Turn Over This Card Spoilers for McKay & Mrs. Miller, Lorne-centric, Crack!AU. Lady Luck had been the headliner at Wunderland for two years running. Lorne knew, because walked past the club every day on his way to work. Well, had walked past, because now he no longer had a job to walk to. For Hours of Fun had burned to the ground after the bakery next door, which, it turned out, was also a meth lab, had exploded. Books just don’t recover from that kind of accident and no one wants to buy books covered in crystal meth and powdered sugar under a heavy coating of soot. “It’s probably for the best,” his boss had told him. “Small stores like mine just can’t compete with the big companies anymore. At least I can collect the insurance.” He’d written Lorne a great recommendation, paid him the next two week’s salary, and said goodbye. And now Lorne needed a job and the only place that was hiring was Wunderland. He knew, because there was a sign out front proclaiming, “Beautiful boys and girls: Uncle Sam needs you!” And okay, maybe Lorne wasn’t exactly beautiful but he was pretty sure he could serve drinks or mop floors or something, and an interview was an interview. “Uncle Sam” was petite, blonde, and female. And she could probably take Lorne in a fight. “Look, Evan— You’re very attractive, and you’ve got a great work ethic, but I’m not sure you’re right for the dancing position.” Well, it had been worth a shot. “But your resume is impressive, you sound like a hard worker, and your references all said you were reliable, responsible, and very practical. Would you be interested in an Assistant Manager position?” And that was how Lorne got a new job. The pay was good, the hours worked around his classes, and the place wasn’t actually as sketchy as he’d originally assumed. He re-arranged the schedules, made payroll more effective, and made friends with some of the staff. After his second week he just started assuming that anyone with a female name was male and vice versa. “Lady Luck”, after all, was male, a head taller than him, and named John. “Wait ‘till you meet, Meredith,” John drawled. “Dancer?” “Bouncer.” One week later, he had Ronon and Meredith (“Rodney! It’s Rodney!”) switch jobs. One week after that, he had them switch back. 6% Commission on all Religious Artefacts No Spoilers. “Look,” Sheppard said desperately, “It’s not that your son isn’t great or anything, but uh…” “Colonel Sheppard is not permitted to marry.” Rodney didn’t even look up from his scanner. “It would be a great offense to our Gods.” The Elder glared at Rodney. “You are saying that this man is a religious figure?” “The highest religious figure in Atlantis, yes, obviously. Do you think we call him Colonel for fun? Colonel Sheppard must remain pure in order to communicate with the Gods. As his factor, and as Doctor, I am responsible for his purity. All requests made of him must be made through me. And the Colonel is absolutely prohibited from marrying or participating in any sexual act.” John snapped his jaw shut and tried to look sad. “I’m uh… really devoted to my people and the… the dictates of our Gods.” The locals weren’t happy, but when Rodney explained that the whole party was devoted to the safety and protection of Sheppard, they backed off and settled down to trade. “Religious figure?” John asked on their way back to the gate. “It’s that kind of galaxy,” Rodney muttered, but thinking back, Rodney had been looking out for John’s “purity” since they’d arrived in Pegasus, even before they’d met many aliens. Huh. On The Job Training Ronon-centric, spoilers for First Strike (Season 3 finale) When it was over, and Atlantis was back on solid ground and Elizabeth healing up, Ronon got his wish. “Ronon, excellent. Use your freakish beast-like strength and move this for me,” Rodney had said, gesturing to a large, Ancient cube. Ronon shrugged and hefted the cube up to move it. The next thing he knew, he was in the infirmary. “What happened?” McKay was freaked, eyes huge and blue and staring unblinking at Ronon. “How do you feel? Do you know who you are? What’s your favourite flavour of jello?” “Rodney,” Dr. Keller tried to cut in, “I don’t think that jello---“ “It’s not he knows who the current Prime Minister of Canada is! He’s a giant cave man!” “I feel okay,” Ronon shrugged, sitting up. “Tingly.” “Tingly. Tingly. He’s been spending too much time with Sheppard! That could mean anything! He could be dying! Work your voodoo on him!” “’M fine,” he said, but wound up sitting through three hours of tests anyway. There was no real reason to go back to McKay’s lab except that Ronon still wanted to learn some stuff, get some of the science so he didn’t have to be The Thing to Sheppard’s Human Torch. So he went back, and McKay, still feeling guilty over hijacking Ronon and getting him knocked out, didn’t laugh at him. Instead he set Ronon down with some sort of test. “Done.” “What? Yes, fine, let me see---,” and Ronon had found all sorts of ways to make McKay stop talking or freak out or get scared before, but he didn’t know what he’d done this time. “Hm. Here, try this one, next.” “---Of course, the device only works on people strong enough to lift it, and only on people without the Ancient gene. The Ancients would need to expand their gene pool regularly, but that’s only worthwhile if the people they choose are both physically fit and mentally capable of keeping up. So the device—“ “---you brainwashed Ronon with math so he could be your Russian Mail Order Bride?” “What?! No! No! I told you, it was an accident---!” Sliding Scale flaming-OOC!Lorne-centric, no spoilers. “….I just felt that I had to turn myself in, sir. I understand that you’ll probably have to send me back to Earth.” Lorne was gay. Totally, hardcore, had-sex-in-the-armory gay, and now he was turning himself in. Lorne couldn’t go back to Earth. Who would do all the paper work? “Major, I’m going to pretend we never had this conversation. I really don’t care who you do in your down-time, but it’s probably best if you keep it to personnel quarters.” “Sir?” Lorne, normally a quick wit with a dry sense of humour, had this terrified and awkward look on his face that was half the reason Sheppard hated dealing with personal issues. Feelings. He shivered. They always got messy. “You’re a good officer, Lorne, and if I turned you in for this, I would have to face up to a few problems myself, you know?” Like paperwork. And dealing with whatever new 2IC the SGC sent him. Apparently, Lorne didn’t know. His eyes got kind of wide and he sat up a little straighter. “You--- Really? I had no idea, sir.” Totally the wrong idea. “Rumours have to start somewhere, Lorne.” It was no secret that Sheppard and McKay were together. Or at least, everybody knew, or thought they knew, or knew someone who knew. Lorne had always thought that was just gossip, but he’d been wrong. Dead wrong. My commanding officer is gay. My commanding officer is doing the head scientist and not sending me back. Not for the first time, Lorne wondered if one of the qualifications for being sent to Pegasus was that it was cheaper to send you there than to hold an inquiry. McKay and Sheppard. Sheppard and McKay. It was enough to make him wonder if a few other rumours that he’d always ignored might be true. He stopped, changed direction, and headed for the labs. At lunch, Rodney plunked his tray down next to Sheppard’s and said, “So. Your military less homophobic than expected, but more stupid. I’m thinking of creating a graph detailing the inverse relationship between homophobia and stupidity, as it goes against everything I had previously known about the subject.” “Oh yeah? How’s that?” “Major Lorne said I have his full support. And then he hugged me.” “Hugged.” “It’s a form of affection in which one person wraps their arms around the torso of another person. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” “What did you say?” “I told him to take his manpain to the commissary and exchange it for some coffee for me. There’s a lucrative trade in it.” “In manpain.” “It’s like wangst, but less emo.” Sheppard wondered if wangst traded for as much as manpain, and if it did, what he could get for it. Either way, it looked like he was going to have more of both in the near future. “As long as he’s happy.” And keeps doing the paperwork. |